Do you mean what I heard?

A constant snag that threatens to unravel the quality of our relationships is our own insecurities.  We all have them.  We all wish we didn’t.  And most of us allow those insecurities to subvert the strength of our relationships.  How?  Insecurities add a running commentary to our interactions.  They are like a constant voice at work in the background of our minds telling us why someone acted the way they did, what they really meant by what they said, and what they really feel about us. 

You know what insecurities do…They twist the tone of conversations (especially digital conversations), they invite us to make assumptions about the intentions of others (which may in the end bare no resemblance to reality), and they warp our imaginations leaving us consumed with what we thought we saw, felt, or perceived from others.

“What I often hear from you is what I’ve filtered through my insecurities and interpreted through my lack of self-confidence.  You may have not said what I thought you said or meant what I thought you meant…but because of my insecurities, that’s what I heard.”  The deeper our insecurities run, the more likely we will force others to walk on egg shells around us and undermine those relationships that might really add value to our lives. 

So what can be done?  Below are six thoughts you might consider when navigating the terrain of your own insecurities.

1.)     DON’T assume others think of you…the way you think of you.  Not everyone sees you in the same light that you see yourself.  You might not imagine there is much in you worth appreciating, but others might see you differently.  Don’t do others the disservice of prescribing to them the “right way” of seeing you.  Allow them to bless you by pointing out the places in your life where you add value to others.  

2.)    DON’T deflect your insecurities on to others.  People who live in their insecurities often make assumptions that everyone is feeling the exact same way about themselves.  Likewise, they will speak in totalizing language, “Well, everyone seems to be dealing with (Fill in the blank).”  While most of us have insecurities, we don’t always suffer the same insecurities, nor do we suffer in the same ways at the same times.   Own your own insecurities without forcing others to own yours.  

3.)    DO clarify what you hear from others.  Insecurities warp our imaginations and create havoc in our minds.  When you walk away from a conversation and insecurities rise to the surface, when you start to believe someone said or felt something they might not have said or felt, re-engage and ask them to clarify.  This is far simpler than you might think.  Give them a call.  Step back in their office.  Go to their room and say, “I’m sorry I wasn’t quite sure what you meant when you said ______________.  Sometimes my mind messes with me a little and I just wanted to make sure that I heard you correctly.  Could you clarify so that I don’t allow my assumptions to get the better of me?”  

4.)    DO confess to others when you’ve allowed your insecurities to get the best of you.  When you have misread Facebook and become offended about something that had nothing to do with you, (remember not every negative post from a friend has you in mind!) when you’ve become offended by a person who had no intentions of harming you, when you see others in the false light of your own insecurities…own it!  Tell them, “I’m sorry for making you bear the weight of my insecurities.  I am still working on some things from my past and I try to be intentional of naming those moments when my insecurities get the best of me.” 

5.)    DO extend to others the same grace you’d ask for yourself.  Others live and operate out of their insecurities as well.  Don’t demand others to be proficient in something you are still trying to figure out.  When two people are equally insecure, there are multiple opportunities for relational snags.  That’s where patience and forgiveness comes in handy.  

6.)    Finally, DO seek the confidence that only God can give you.  Much of our insecurity is because our identities are always in flux.  They are ever-changing.  We are constantly trying to measure up to the demands and expectations of changing groups, seasons of life, and perceptions of others.  Unable to live in that flux, we feel as though something is missing.  Grounding ourselves in our identity as Children of God is key to establishing a solid, stable framework on which to understand ourselves and others around us.

Soon, I will discuss the ways in which insecurities subvert our leadership.  However, for now ask the question, “Do you mean what I heard?  Or did I hear what my insecurities have taught me to hear?”