There are a couple of paradigmatic stories from the life of
Jesus that I think address shame and the power of relationships. Both stories involve women. Both stories involve Jesus making time for
those that others would have refused.
Both stories are found in John’s telling of the story, which I’m not
sure what that says of John’s theology…except that it’s great theology.
In both stories, Jesus encounters women that because of
their stories and decisions they’d made (we presume-though it’s possible some
of what we encountered in their lives was out of their control) they had lived
under the weight of shame and the judgment of their communities. In John 4, Jesus encounters a woman at the
well. In John 8, Jesus is brought a
woman caught in adultery. It is my
conviction that in both stories, relationships (ie. Community) could have
either deepened that sense of shame, or through the power of look, word,
persistence, and embrace broken the shame cycle. Jesus opts for the latter. Community is a necessary component in
shattering the grip of shame in the lives of others.
Last week we started our discussion shame, first looking at
the crippling effects of shame in the life of a person and secondly looking at
Jesus Christ as One who deals with the shame of humanity on the cross. Today, I want to continue that discussion by
breaking down the movements of community in the life of one bound by shame.
11.)
A
Look: Those who suffer shame are
especially sensitive to the looks of others.
In fact, shame generally means we avoid the public eye. That’s why the woman was at the well in
midday all alone. She couldn’t go out
with others. When we are given
opportunity to look upon their lives, the tone of expression is essential. A life of love and prayer has implications
for our sensitivity in how we look on others.
Breaking shame means we look upon lives with openness. We look with hope. We look with patience, realizing that many
who suffer shame will often try to provoke an alternative glance. We don’t however look with pity. The look of pity is a look of condescension
which further deepens the shame. However
Jesus looked at these women, they felt invited into dialogue, into openness,
and ultimately into redemption.
22.)
A Word:
Words have served as powerful tools in the lives of those weighed down
by shame. Words have wounded. Words have re-affirmed the feeling of
self-deprecation. Words ring in the
minds of those shamed, telling them over and over that they are of no value, no
worth, and unlovable. Words to the
shamed must be chosen wisely. Often it
is best to only speak after one has first listened. Words are not without intentional truth. In both of John’s stories, Jesus speaks
profound truth, hard truth, but truth that was an invitation to newness and not
condemnation to being continually stuck in their shame cycle. Words are powerful tools that spoken from a
prayerful soul can create alternate realities for person, shaping an
alternative self-perception.
33.)
Persistence:
Those whose lives have been dominated by shame doubt the possibility that
anyone can be trusted for long periods of time.
They will often, living out of their shame, work to push people away,
work to over assert themselves, reject help, refuse love, seek to push buttons. These are an attempt to prove that what they feared
was true…you won’t last. Communities that
shatter cycles of shame are persistent in the face of such adversity. They make up their minds that each person is
worth waiting for. They understand that
shame is not arrived at overnight nor will it be undone overnight. Sometimes, simply a persistent presence…a
willingness to be there, even when a person returns is enough to undo shame.
4.)
Finally embrace.
Careful however not to arrive at this too quickly. All relationships that are healthy and
redemptive ought to arrive at a point of embrace. However, those who live in shame will fear
such embrace. Embrace is a union that crosses
the chasm of isolation and alienation.
This is a chasm that may have existed for a long time. To leap that chasm with too much gusto may be
more than a person can handle. On their
own time, a person who lives bound by shame will test the waters of love and
embrace. When they feel comfortable,
they will recognize that communities of openness and relationships of
tenderness will be there with arms wide open.
Community plays a pivotal role in the deconstruction of
cycles of shame. However, communities can
also deepen that shame through judgment.
Those that live in the words of Jesus, “you who is without sin cast the
first stone,” are those that are best prepared to break shame. Holy humility is key to openness, love, a
soft glance, a good word, a steadfast love, and a warm embrace.
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